Something happened to me during the pandemic that I think happened to a lot of us. Suddenly with my world upside-down and no understanding of where the future was leading, time and energy became a precious commodity I did not want to waste. I started to think about my priorities and the life I wanted to lead. The pandemic was hard on most, and some lucky few were able to use it as an opportunity for change. A lot of people moved states, changed careers, and started new families. Between 2020 and 2021 I found myself in isolation. I was working from home and spent most of my time working, taking walks, and reading. California was shut down, and I did not see my friends regularly anymore. When I did, it was possibly at a risk to their health. This chapter is where I first realized why growth feels lonely.

The Distance Brings Clarity

There is a phenomenon to being forcibly removed from the people you see the most. Suddenly, with so much distance, you are able to meditate on what and who brings you happiness, peace, and support, and who is draining those resources from you. The pandemic was by itself stressful and depleting, as was the isolation. It was a time, for me at least but likely many others, to reflect on who and what did not further exacerbate those issues when I did get to break quarantine and see someone. In other words, what were you willing to put up with now?

This clarity can be one of the first moments you understand why growth feels lonely. It separates you from things and people you once accepted without question.

Why Growth Feels Lonely When You Leave What No Longer Fits

As a result, I left a few of my friends (and my career) behind. After that, I moved 2,000 miles across the country to Tennessee in 2021 and started a journey that has continued to this day.

I made a few new friends in Nashville, and I am lucky to have kept some old friendships going for 15–25 years. However, I am geographically removed from many of them, and as I cycle through growth over and over, I have lost a couple of friends through attrition recently.

Growth asks you to become someone else. It is not surprising that along the way, you no longer resonate with certain conversations or people. This is one of the most misunderstood reasons why growth feels lonely.

A Lonely Road and a Full Calendar

I think about the effort I have put in to meeting like-minded people in Nashville. I joined a sports league, three book clubs, a running club, YMCA, ACA, went on two yoga retreats, completed teacher training in Mexico, went on a backpacking retreat, joined an art class, took archery and piano lessons, and went to three weekend-long cycling events. I spend most of my days now on runs or in yoga class, working, and in Acupuncture school. I am on my next chapter of growth, and it is a lonely road. I think about this when I am out at 6am for a run; there is no one out there but me. Or when I am up late reading about medicine or studying; I am on my own. No one else can read this book or take this test but me.

When you choose growth, you often go alone. This is exactly why growth feels lonely to those brave enough to evolve.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

I was raised an only child, so this isolation came easier to me, but it is still hard because all humans need connection, and in fact connection is something I value very deeply. I think possibly one of the reasons people do not want to change is for the simple fact that it is lonely. If they want to grow but that means leaving their partner or friend group behind, sometimes they would rather not. Change and growth mean being by yourself in the interim, and some cannot do that. The fear and discomfort are the very thing that keeps them stuck.

For many people, this is why growth feels lonely: it strips away the comfort of company before it gives you new connections.

You Don’t Have to Ditch Everyone

I am not saying that everyone should ditch the friends who are not exactly like them, and I am not saying growth means you need to get rid of everyone. The beauty of my friend group is that they all have unique journeys, values, and priorities. The common denominator among all of them is giving me the space to grow, supporting me, and remaining open-minded and curious to change and growth themselves, whatever that looks like for them.

Still, even with the best people around you, there are moments when you deeply feel why growth feels lonely.

Liminal Space Is Full of Silence

The liminal space is transitional. There is a period of growth where you have outgrown one thing but are not quite ready for the next chapter to start. Changing friend groups or zip codes comes with a lot of solitude before you integrate with new groups of people. If you have changed your lifestyle or priorities, this can mean spending some time alone before you find like-mindedness and the types of people who will reinforce the work you have done on yourself. This slow space between what was and what will be is another layer of why growth feels lonely.

Your Changes May Trigger Others

Improving oneself can sometimes be a threat to others’ lifestyles, especially if they are adverse to change or know they need to, but are resistant. Being comfortable is preferential to pain and progress, and some people do not want to go there.

If you decide to stop drinking, binge watching Netflix, or prefer therapy, inner work, or an early morning hike over a hangover and sleeping in, suddenly you’re the weird one, and suddenly others might even take offense to it. It’s not you, it’s them, and it’s their resistance to taking a look at their own lives. These reactions are often why growth feels lonely; you become a mirror others do not want to face.

“Life Is a Costume Party”

In addition, my own improvement began to challenge social norms and values even more. I have always questioned those as far back as high school and middle school, so I was never prone to being popular or understood, and I am okay with that. I remember in high school especially noticing how much my peers tried to fit in and please others. It was apparent to me that no one was operating in their true selves and everyone was putting on a front.

“I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party and I attended with my real face.” —Franz Kafka

This is one of my favorite quotes and captures perfectly why growth feels lonely for those of us who refuse to pretend.

Birds of a Feather

When we grow up, we try to be like our friends. As you gravitate toward being your own person, you are able to see your individuality much more. If you are making changes in conflict with your old surroundings, the contrast is more clear. Suddenly there is less to talk about or relate to, and suddenly you do not want to share the same activities or conversation topics.

Even into adulthood, friends’ lifestyles will affect us. For instance, if your best friend is obese, you have a 45% chance of also becoming obese; if your friend’s friend is obese, you have a 25% chance of becoming obese; a friend 3x removed gives you a 10% chance. I sought out those whose lifestyle would reinforce my own. This also meant seeing a lot of the same behavior in the majority of people and knowing I would not find “my people” easily. It was another sharp reminder of why growth feels lonely during the transition.

Time, Energy, and Boundaries

Growth also comes with a need to set boundaries with your phone, time, and energy as you focus on what matters to you. This can mean not being able to participate in things you would like to all the time, and making sacrifices to better yourself.

By default, this required me to value my interactions and think about where my energy was going. This also meant less interactions, or interactions with friends that were meaningful but few and far between. This recalibration of energy and relationships is why growth feels lonely when you start putting yourself first.

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