In today’s world, it’s common to observe many individuals actively seeking external validation, guidance, and approval. While external support undoubtedly holds value, my healing journey took a significant turn when I embraced the practice of trusting myself and relinquished the constant need for approval from others. But how to trust yourself? It is a profound expression of self-love, yet the question lingers: how can one discern when he or she has genuinely found that trust?
The Downside of External Validation
While external validation is a natural human desire, it comes with its own set of downsides that can have profound implications for our relationships and overall well-being. As neuroscientist Andrew Huberman highlighted in his podcast episode, “The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment,” constantly seeking external validation, especially within relationships, can have far-reaching consequences.
Vulnerability to Infidelity
One significant downside of seeking external validation is its potential link to infidelity. Andrew Huberman’s insights shed light on a fascinating correlation: if one partner consistently seeks affirmation and approval from sources outside the relationship, they may become more prone to finding others attractive. While this doesn’t directly imply infidelity, it suggests that a lack of internal validation may lead individuals to seek it externally, potentially putting the fidelity of a relationship at risk.
Identity Erosion
Relying heavily on external validation can erode one’s sense of identity. When your self-worth is contingent upon the approval of others, you become vulnerable to the fluctuations of external opinions. This can lead to a constant quest for approval, leaving little room for the development of a strong, independent self-concept.
Emotional Rollercoaster
External validation is often unpredictable and fleeting. Relying on it for emotional sustenance can result in a rollercoaster of emotions, with highs when approval is received and lows when it’s absent. This emotional volatility can contribute to anxiety, self-doubt, and a general sense of instability.
Inauthentic Living
Seeking external validation may lead individuals to shape their lives based on perceived expectations rather than authentic desires. Living to meet external standards rather than embracing one’s true self can result in a life that feels unfulfilling and disconnected.
Strained Relationships
Excessive reliance on external validation within relationships can strain the bond between partners. Constantly seeking approval from sources outside the relationship may create distance and diminish the sense of intimacy, as the focus shifts away from mutual understanding and connection.
Dependency on External Sources
Relying on external validation perpetuates a cycle of dependency. The more you seek approval from others, the less you cultivate the internal resources needed to validate yourself. This dependency can be disempowering and hinder personal growth.
How To Trust Yourself
The Antidote: Cultivating Internal Validation
While external validation can provide a temporary boost, its downsides underscore the importance of cultivating a strong sense of internal validation. Building self-confidence, understanding one’s values, and nurturing a resilient self-concept can serve as a powerful antidote to the pitfalls associated with seeking approval from external sources. By anchoring ourselves in a core sense of identity, we can navigate relationships with authenticity, resilience, and a reduced vulnerability to the hazards of external validation.
How Do You Start?
Self-Reflection
To trust yourself, you must first know yourself. Take the time for introspection and self-reflection. Ask yourself the tough questions about your standards, values, priorities, desires, and fears. Understanding your core beliefs is crucial in building a foundation for trust. More about standards is below.
Mindfulness Practices
Engage in mindfulness practices such as meditation or journaling. These activities allow you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a deeper connection with your inner self. As you become more attuned to your inner world, you’ll naturally start building trust in your instincts.
Set Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-trust. Know what you stand for and what you won’t tolerate. Boundaries protect your well-being and signal to others, and yourself, that your needs are valid.
Set Standards
Standards serve as crucial benchmarks that guide us in making informed decisions about what and who aligns with our values and preferences. When it comes to determining how I wish to be treated, I adhere to a set of standards that shape my interactions and relationships. A valuable rule of thumb I employ involves asking whether I would treat someone the way they are treating me. While recognizing that everyone has both good and bad days, this reflection helps me gauge the consistency of behavior.
If the answer leans towards a negative response, suggesting a misalignment with my standards, I consider the value of having that person in my life. By establishing and upholding these standards, I ensure that my relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and positive interactions.
As far as standards for living, this is a lifelong practice. Here are some questions you can get into the habit of asking yourself regularly:
- Does this align with the life I want?
- Does this person or thing raise my energy, or lower it?
- Does this serve my greater purpose?
- Are my actions in tune with the better version of myself?
- Does this make me feel good now, and will it make me feel good later?
- Are the choices I am making solely for myself or others?
-Karin (ICIETNU)
But How Do You Know?
Intuition
Trusting yourself often involves tuning into your intuition. Your gut feelings are a powerful guide. If something feels right or wrong, pay attention. Over time, as you validate your intuitive hits, you’ll build confidence in your inner wisdom. Sometimes intuition and fear can be confused, however. More about that below.
Consistent Decision-Making
When you consistently make decisions aligned with your values and goals, you’re on the right track. Recognize patterns of positive outcomes when you trust your judgment. This reinforcement is a clear sign that you are learning to rely on yourself.
Embracing Imperfection
Trusting yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never make mistakes. It’s about acknowledging and learning from them. Embracing imperfection is a sign of self-compassion and a crucial aspect of building trust. It’s okay to be human.
Intuition v. Fear
Distinguishing between intuition and fear can sometimes be challenging, as both involve a certain level of instinct or gut feeling.
Fear has more to do with emotional reasoning, which poses a hazard as it involves a cognitive distortion where individuals exclusively rely on their emotions to interpret situations, make decisions, or draw conclusions, often without taking into account objective evidence. This can lead to subjective and potentially inaccurate assessments, influencing behavior and decision-making in ways that may not align with reality.
Some characteristics may help you differentiate between intuition and fear:
Physical Sensations:
Intuition: Often described as a calm, subtle feeling. It might manifest as a sense of knowing or a feeling of rightness.
Fear: Can generate more intense physical reactions, such as increased heart rate, sweating, or a knot in the stomach.
Source of Feeling:
Intuition: Usually arises from a deeper understanding or inner wisdom. It may not be based on concrete evidence but feels grounded.
Fear: Often tied to a specific threat or a perceived danger. It can be more immediate and related to a known or anticipated risk.
Clarity and Confidence:
Intuition: Typically comes with a sense of clarity and confidence, even if you can’t logically explain it.
Fear: Might be accompanied by doubt, anxiety, or a sense of unease. It may feel more reactive and less grounded.
Timing:
Intuition: Can be a patient and subtle feeling that emerges over time.
Fear: Tends to be more immediate and linked to a specific situation, often triggered by external stimuli.
Rationality:
Intuition: Sometimes lacks a clear rational explanation but feels right on a deeper level.
Fear: Often has a more identifiable cause or reason, even if it’s based on irrational or exaggerated perceptions.
Long-Term vs. Short-Term:
Intuition: May relate to long-term well-being or decisions that align with your authentic self.
Fear: Often tied to short-term concerns or immediate dangers.
Reflectiveness:
Intuition: Might become clearer with reflection and quiet contemplation.
Fear: Can sometimes be exacerbated by overthinking and tends to be more reactive.
Benefits of Trusting Yourself
Authenticity
Trusting yourself allows you to live authentically. You’re no longer confined by societal expectations or the opinions of others. Instead, you make choices that resonate with your true self, leading to a more genuine and fulfilling life.
Empowerment
Self-trust empowers you to take control of your life. You become the architect of your destiny, confident in your ability to navigate challenges and capitalize on opportunities.
Inner Peace
Trusting yourself reduces internal conflict. When your actions align with your values, there’s a sense of inner peace. The noise of self-doubt diminishes, and you can embrace life with a calm and centered mind.
Wholeness
Trusting yourself is a journey towards wholeness. It involves accepting and integrating all aspects of yourself, the light and the shadow. Embracing your complexity allows you to be a more authentic and complete version of yourself.
Alignment
Aligning with your true self means living in harmony with your values, passions, and purpose. As you trust yourself, you naturally gravitate towards choices and actions that resonate with your deepest desires, leading to a life of greater fulfillment.
Weird Things That Happen When You Start to Listen to Yourself
As you start to trust yourself, you might notice some peculiar shifts in your perception of the world around you. One of the more intriguing phenomena is the sudden unveiling of hypocrisy and inauthenticity that may have previously escaped your notice.
Hypocrisy Unveiled
Trusting yourself often comes with a heightened sensitivity to incongruities and double standards. As you solidify your own values and principles, you may find yourself more attuned to the inconsistencies in others. This newfound clarity can be both eye-opening and, at times, perplexing.
Spotting Well-Meaning Inauthenticity
Ironically, the more you trust yourself, the better you become at recognizing inauthenticity even in those with well-meaning intentions. It’s not about becoming overly skeptical but rather about developing a discerning eye for actions that may not align with stated values. This heightened awareness can be disconcerting but is ultimately liberating.
The Unveiling of Personal Boundaries
Trusting yourself naturally leads to the establishment and reinforcement of personal boundaries. As you become more adept at recognizing what feels right for you, you may notice when others encroach upon those boundaries, whether knowingly or unknowingly. This heightened awareness can prompt constructive conversations and deeper connections with those around you.
A Shift in Relationships
The dynamics of your relationships may undergo a subtle transformation. You may find yourself gravitating toward individuals who resonate with your newfound sense of authenticity while naturally distancing yourself from those whose actions don’t align with your values. This shift is not about judgment but about creating space for genuine connections.
Embracing Unconventionality
Trusting yourself often emboldens you to embrace your uniqueness and question societal norms. As a result, you may find yourself engaging in unconventional pursuits, challenging the status quo, and charting a course that aligns more closely with your true self. This departure from the norm can be met with raised eyebrows, but it’s a testament to your commitment to authenticity.
How My Life Changed
There was a time when I habitually ignored my intuition and constantly second-guessed myself. It was as if I had this internal compass, but I would consistently squash its guidance. However, everything changed when I finally learned to trust myself.
Listening to my own voice became a game-changer. I started making decisions based on what felt right for me, not just what others expected. Learning to be okay with disappointing others was a tough lesson, but it allowed me to prioritize my needs and desires.
Trusting myself also meant standing up for what I believed in and holding firm to my values. I shifted from reacting to life’s circumstances to proactively making choices that aligned with my principles. No longer a doormat, I found the strength to assert myself and hold people accountable for their actions.
This newfound self-trust transformed the way I approached difficult situations and conversations. I became adept at articulating my thoughts precisely without letting emotions take the driver’s seat. In essence, trusting myself empowered me to lead a more authentic and assertive life, where my decisions, actions, and words were guided by self-assurance and conviction.
Now, I often look back on difficult conversations I have had to have with others who were not treating me to my standard. Because I learned to act and not react to them, I learned, after careful reflection, to establish a boundary and gently hold them accountable for their poor behavior. There is now a profound sense of peace I feel knowing I said exactly what I meant to say, was kind while saying it, and stood up for myself, showing them exactly how I expected to be treated. This feeling is powerful and works like medicine to your soul. And once you know it, you will find it again and again.
Discovering the power of my intuition also marked a significant turning point in my life, revealing itself as one of my greatest strengths. One of the remarkable aspects of intuition is its ability to cut through the noise, offering insights that may not be immediately evident. Understanding the strength of my intuition allowed for a deeper connection with myself. By listening to that inner voice, I found a sense of self-trust that extended beyond decision-making. It influences how I approach relationships, pursue opportunities, and face challenges.
Conclusion
Trusting yourself starts with self-reflection, mindfulness, and setting boundaries. Recognizing the signs of self-trust involves tuning into your intuition, making consistent decisions, and embracing imperfection. The benefits are vast: authenticity, empowerment, and inner peace. Ultimately, trusting yourself allows you to live a life that is whole, aligned, and uniquely your own.
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